The Name Zetsubou

My Internet name is a constant source of mystery to some. What does it mean? What language is it in? Why did you choose it? I'm going to answer those questions in this post.

Zetsubou, or 絶望, is Japanese for “despair.” I am not Japanese. If I was going to use my ancestral languages for my name, I would be “Neviltis” (Lithuanian, father's side), or “ochtayanie” (отчаяние – Russian, mother's side).

I chose the name Zetsubou because within my lifetime, I have had to work extremely hard to overcome a variety of circumstances, and I spent most of my teenage years in despair. My mom was dead, my great-grandmother, the woman who raised me, was dead by the time I was 14 years old, my dad worked all the time, and I didn't have many friends. I was “that creepy girl in the back of the classroom.”

So most of my life, I've been alone. I developed a bit of a warped personality because of it, but I promise that I'm usually a good person. I'm not going to bite you if you talk to me, and if I like you, I'm pretty friendly. I have a well-paying job, and I've grown comfortable in my own skin. But occasionally, that old despair creeps in, and on those days, it's almost impossible to get out of bed. I've been told by doctors that I have dysthymic disorder, but I don't really care what it's called. All I know is that it's difficult for me to function on days that I feel that way. It's gotten better since I got a job, and I have to say that I'm quite grateful to my boss and coworkers for making every day a lot more fun.

I call myself "Despair" not so much because I am in it constantly, but because I do not want to forget my roots, where I came from, and what motivated me to become what I am today. If it hadn't been for those times where I felt lonely and empty, I might never have been motivated to become what I am today.